Fangtastic Four Read online

  “Need advice on other magical matters? Send your letters to Midnight with Bertram Cravenly and you may just be featured on an upcoming episode. Now, our first guest this evening is a new addition to Cravenly Manor. Please give a warm welcome to my co-host, Woodrow G. Charles.”

  Wilma had told us about the surprise, and the little woodchuck sure look startled. He dramatically pressed a hand to his chest, turned to look behind himself, and mouthed “me?”

  “Come on down, Woodrow. Let’s introduce you to the Assjacket community.”

  He shook his little head and started to back up, but Jules gave him a nudge. Woodrow’s whole demeanor changed. He straightened up, lifted his chin, and wiggled his little butt as he marched up to the sitting area. He hopped up into the wingback chair beside Bertram and folded his hands in his lap, his little ankles crossed.

  “Tell us a little about yourself, Woodrow. You’re new to the area?”

  He raised an eyebrow and glanced at Wilma, who gave him a finger wave.

  “Yes. I’ve relocated from Philadelphia for employment purposes.” He nodded at her, and she chuckled.

  “Wonderful, and what do you think so far?”

  He pursed his little lips and cleared his throat. “The weather is a bit much, but I think I’ll find this place suits me just fine.”

  We clapped and cheered for the little guy and got another raised eyebrow in return. He was so refined, like a plump little gentleman.

  “Other than being my co-host for the show, would you like to tell our viewers what profession you’re in?”

  Woodrow swallowed hard. “Uh, er, well, I, um… Familiar. I’ve taken a position as a familiar to a local witch. Miss Wetter and I have come to an arrangement, and I shall be her partner in all things magical moving forward.” He nodded, clearing his throat again.

  Something was off. The little furry guy was sweating bullets and looked as if he was going to make a break for it.

  “Wonderful. It was fortuitous that you arrived safely in the middle of quite a storm. I know Ms. Wetter and I are quite glad you have joined us.”

  “Right.” Woodrow’s beady little eyes shifted from side to side.

  Bertram chuckled and looked back at the camera. “We need to take a commercial break, but we’ll be back with more.”

  Bertram nodded to us and we kicked into “Cry, Cry, Cry” by cousin Ritchie. The plan was that Bertram would interview the band next and then he’d talk to Wilma, but first I wanted to check in with Woodrow.

  “And…cut,” Jules said.

  “What was that?” Woodrow asked. He hopped down from the chair and crossed his little arms. “An inquisition?”

  “We wanted to surprise you,” Wilma said. “We hoped you would be a part of the show.”

  He backed away from her. “This was not part of my job description. I have no intention of being waylaid like this.”

  Wilma frowned and knelt down next to him. “I’m sorry, Woodrow. I just thought you might enjoy chatting with Bertram and our guests. You’re so knowledgeable about everything.”

  He shifted on his feet. “Will this broadcast reach outside of Assjacket?”

  “No,” Wilma said, her voice lilting up at the end. “We’re on a separate satellite network. Why?”

  “Perhaps I wasn’t fully transparent with you when I arrived.”

  Wilma glanced up at me, and I moved to her side and crouched down.

  “Whatever it is, we’ll work through it,” she said. “I apologize if this put you in a difficult spot.”

  Woodrow sighed and the sadness coming from the poor little guy was contagious. The rest of our ragtag group gathered around Woodrow and sat down.

  “I wasn’t totally honest about how I came to be on your front lawn. Yes, I was sucked into the vortex you created, but I wasn’t just adding to my square footage. I was actually…running away.”

  Wilma reached out and touched his little leg. “Whatever you’re running from, we’re here for you.”

  He gazed around our circle and blinked his black eyes.

  “Look, man,” I said. “We’re all here under interesting circumstances. We were in a bus crash, lost our drummer, and then got waylaid by vampire groupies and Turned.”

  “Yes,” Wilma said. “And you know all about my issues. Please know that we’re here for you.”

  Woodrow sighed. “Very well. I ran away because…I failed. I was supposed to be the next Punxatawny Phil, and I washed out of the Shadow Academy.”

  We all sat quietly, stunned.

  “You mean there’s a school for that?” Vinny asked.

  “And there’s more than one Phil?”

  Woodrow pulled himself up taller. “Of course there is. You think a groundhog lives that long?”

  “My bad,” Freddy said.

  “It’s fine. Apparently I lack the required depth perception necessary to accurately predict the length of winter based on my shadow. I failed my final exam. I am the first male in the Charles family to not be the Phil of his class. My mother cried, my father wouldn’t look at me… I determined my best course of action was to set out on my own. I was headed for Rhode Island, however, and I must have taken a wrong turn…”

  “So directions are a problem too?” Freddy received smacks from Jacob and Vinny. “Ouch! I just meant maybe it’s not just his shadow that’s affected, damn!”

  Wilma held out her arms and Woodrow hesitated only a moment before hopping onto her lap and cuddling up to her.

  “We’re all here for a reason,” she murmured. “I think you were meant to be my familiar and that’s why you took a wrong…I mean a different path.”

  “There is no judgement in this house,” Bertram assured. “We’ve all faced plenty of criticism, and I refuse to have anyone in my care feel less than.”

  Woodrow nodded and wiped at a tear.

  Wilma gave him a squeeze and damn, she was so good at the nurturing thing. Watching her with him, I had visions of her as a mother. Was that even possible? Had my swimmers survived my transition?

  “That’s enough of that,” he said, nodding his thanks to Wilma. He frowned at my cousins and said, “Any other questions?” Woodrow sounded annoyed, which I assumed was his way of covering up his discomfort.

  “Yeah,” Freddy said. “I got a question. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? I mean, can you chuck wood?”

  Jacob was the first one to snort.

  Woodrow stepped right up to Freddy and poked his finger hard into his chest. “I can chuck whatever I please, fanger. Don’t tempt me.”

  Vinny fell over laughing. “That’s awesome.”

  We finished up the show and my cousins and I retired for the night. Before heading up to our bedrooms, I checked on Wilma. She and Jules were hard at work in her bedroom, editing the footage they’d shot.

  “You need anything?” I asked her.

  She tapped her cheek and smiled. “A good night kiss?”

  I gave her one and rubbed my nose up her neck. “Will I see you later?” As much as I loved Woodrow, I really wanted some uninterrupted alone time with my mate. I knew it would likely be a while, however, with all of us under this roof…unless she had some more hidden lairs.

  “We’ll be at this for a while,” she said apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

  I held up a hand. “It’s fine. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow evening.”

  She kissed me softly. “Thank you. Maybe I can show you more of the house then,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

  “If that’s a euphemism, I’m out of here,” Jules said without looking up.

  “Sorry, Jules. Good night, you two.”

  Wilma watched me back away with longing in her eyes.

  I couldn’t help being a little pleased I wasn’t the only one suffering.

  * * *

  The next evening I made my way to the kitchen for some Captain Moo-gan and sat around the table with Jacob and my cousins.

  “You not drinking?” Vinny asked him.

/>   Jacob smirked. “I don’t need blood every day anymore. You’ll get to that point, too.”

  “I kinda like these mixed drinks, though,” Vinny said. “You’re right. Takes the edge off. It’s really not so bad, you know. This whole vampire thing.”

  “Soon you’ll need to test your resistance to humans if you’re going back out on the road.” Jacob looked directly at me, and I knew it was time for us to have this conversation.

  “I can’t wait,” Freddy said. “We’re going back out to find Havoc, right? Then we’ll revamp our tour. Oh! We can call it the Re-Vamped tour!”

  Vinny elbowed him. “We can’t tell our fans we’re vampires, you know.”

  “I know. But we could be vampires right out in front of them and they’d think it was just part of the act. You know, like Lestat!”

  “Those were some good books,” Vinny said.

  “Anne Rice is my queen.” Freddy agreed and hoisted his glass.

  Jacob continued to stare at me. “What do you say, Gus?”

  I exhaled. “I want to find Havoc. I want to play again.” But…

  “But?” Vinny said, recognizing I wasn’t through with that thought.

  “But,” Jacob said, when I didn’t speak right away, “he has a mate.”

  Freddy frowned. “So? We’ve had girlfriends before. Hell, she’s cool. She could come with us.”

  “Wilma’s more than my girlfriend,” I said. “She’s my mate.”

  “Tomayto, tomahto,” Freddy said. “She’s your old lady. So what? As long as she’s no Yoko Ono trying to break up the band, she’s cool with me.”

  “Her life is here,” I continued. “I can’t ask her to give this up. And as much as I’m anxious to get back on the road, I also can’t leave her. She’s got a lot going on and she needs support.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” Vinny asked, and that was the true question.

  Could I leave her? Probably, but my heart would break. Just being in another room from her, my hands twitched like I was missing something. I would probably survive, but not unscathed.

  “Don’t want to,” I admitted. “I love her, guys. Ella es mi corazón.”

  Jacob cleared his throat. “Mating is different for magicals, guys. Gus won’t be himself if he’s away from her for long. It will make it harder for him to maintain himself around non-vamps. He’ll be moody and possibly dangerous.”

  “How’s that different?” Freddy asked, chuckling. “He’s always moody.”

  I kicked his foot under the table as he continued to laugh.

  “I’m just messing with you. Whatever, dude. We’re familia. We’ll figure it out. Right?”

  Vinny and Freddy gazed at me hopefully, and I gave them a weak smile. I didn’t know how to navigate this situation. My two lives were clearly on a collision course, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone in the process.

  Just then, we heard the front door creaking before Mac called out, “Hello?”

  “This place gives me the creeps,” Zelda said as they came into the foyer. The door closed with a crack and they both jumped.

  Mac saw us in the kitchen and kicked up his chin. “Glad we found you. We’ve got news.”

  Chapter Seven

  Wilma

  * * *

  “Bullshit.”

  “It’s not bullshit, it’s the truth. She’s different. She seems to be immune to the less-attractive vamp attributes.”

  Mac and Jacob were nearly nose to nose, arguing again, and Bertram was hovering nearby, ready to pick up the pieces.

  Mac turned on me with a frown. “Have you had blood yet?”

  “No.” I answered, looking around. The guys all had glasses of the latest blood cocktails they’d invented. “I was finishing up some stuff for the show to air tonight.”

  “You should be drinking the moment you wake up. Aren’t you starving?” he asked, but it seemed like more like he was accusing me.

  “I’m fine, actually.” And it was true.

  “But you’re a new vampire. You’re supposed to be starving. You should be tearing necks open on a rampage.” Mac was so confused, it was all I could do not to smile and shrug.

  “But I’m not. I’m sorry?”

  Jacob went to put his arm around me, and before his hand landed on my shoulder, Gus was at my side, a low growl emanating from his chest.

  “Right. My bad. I was only going to say that Wilma is going to be a top student of mine, I can just tell.”

  He awkwardly chucked me on the shoulder before backing away slowly.

  I turned to look at Gus, and his eyes were wide.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

  “It’s fine, my dude,” Jacob said, clapping him on the back. “You’re going to be a bit twitchy when it comes to your mate.

  “I’m not usually a violent guy,” he said, backing up.

  “You aren’t,” Mac continued. “You’ll learn when it’s time to turn it on and when you’re being overbearing,” he turned to Zelda. “Right babe?”

  “I’m still waiting for that to happen,” she said, staring down at her nails. “Anyway, we came because we have news.”

  Everyone looked at each other.

  “Why don’t we take our refreshments and head to the parlor?” Bertram obviously wanted to protect the breakables and one never knew when Mac and Jacob would come to blows.

  “Excellent idea. I look forward to warming my bum before the fire.”

  Everyone looked down at Woodrow, who was now wearing a bow tie and a top hat perched on his head.

  “Woodrow is my, um, familiar,” I said to the group.

  Mac nodded at him. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Indeed,” Woodrow said. “Woodrow G. Charles the Third.” He clicked his heels together and bowed.

  Mac raised his eyebrows at me and then shook his head.

  Bertram led the way to the parlor to turn on the gas fireplace even though it was quite toasty already. I moved toward Zelda to thank her for coming, but she hurried away to walk with Mac. She glanced at me over her shoulder, and her look was not welcoming.

  Great. Before I was Turned, I’d thought perhaps we were on the road to becoming friends. Now she looked at me like I’d grown horns or something.

  I reached up to touch my head and make sure. With all the changes I’d been through, there was no telling whether I’d sprouted new appendages.

  “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier,” Gus said. “I’m not that guy—”

  “It’s okay. I think it’s clear that neither of us are who we were before.”

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I don’t know, but I think I may have worn out my welcome with the town’s head witch.”

  Gus shot Zelda a look and frowned.

  “Everyone in,” Bertram said, gesturing for us all to enter the parlor. “There are coasters about the room. Please don’t set your glasses—”

  Mac set his glass of water down hard on the mantel. Poor Bertram. “Look. I told you I would get word to Havoc that you wanted to see him.”

  Gus and his cousins glanced at each other.

  “So what happened?” Freddy asked.

  “We’ll, he can’t exactly travel right now.” Mac chuckled, but when he caught Zelda’s stern expression, he cleared his throat. “He would like to see you, though.”

  “Point us the way,” Freddy said, rubbing his hands together. “We’re ready to get back on the road.”

  “In what incarnation of hell do you think you guys are ready to be mixing and mingling with mortals?” Mac crossed his arms over his chest, a smirk on his face. “You’re not ready.”

  “Bullshit,” Freddy said, stepping closer to the alpha, which made everyone else hiss. Mac had been patient with vampires in his town, but that didn’t mean he’d put up with disobedience.

  “There are factors to consider, like a steady supply of blood from a safe vendor, transportation during daylight hours, a guardian—”

  “What’s
a guardian?” Vinny asked.

  Jacob spoke up. “A guardian handles all of your daytime business. They make sure you’re safe while you’re at your most vulnerable.”

  “Well where do we find one, because I’m ready to get back to my life.” Freddy lifted his chin at Mac and the room filled with tension.

  Mac approached Freddy, towering over him. “You are under the protection of your mentor until he says you’re ready to be released on your own recognizance. Until my brother tells me that you three are no longer a threat—”

  “What about her?“ asked Zelda. “She can’t be trusted out on her own either. Magic like hers? She could wipe out the whole state of West Virginia. Or worse.”

  I felt her words like a jab in the chest. She’d been so supportive before, and now she acted like I was a pariah.

  “She’s right,” said Mac. “I hate to say it, but we’re concerned about you as well, Wilma. One false move with your magic and you’ll be up on charges with the Baba Yaga, or worse, the Goddess herself. I don’t want to see that happen to you, so I hope you’ll be willing to listen to my proposal.”

  A part of me wanted to react just like Freddy but I knew better. I had 113 years of experience dealing with being an outsider and having to follow rules whether I liked them or not. “What do you have in mind?”

  * * *

  “Let’s hear from some friends before we make any decisions.” He held out a hand to Zelda. “Darling?”

  Zelda pushed away from the wall where she’d been standing, as if she wished she were anyplace else. She held out of hand towards the middle of the room and all of a sudden a portal opened up, and through it, we could see a man and a woman, as if they were on the other side of a window.

  “Holy shit! It’s Havoc!” Freddy stepped towards the portal but Zelda flung sparks at him.

  “Do not approach. This method of communication is a little unstable, and I don’t want either party getting sucked through into another dimension.”

  Freddy held his hands up and backed away. “You make a good point. Hey man, it’s great to see you!”